Listen With Your Heart

Yes, I know I skipped last week. You try uploading a blog post without any internet access sometime! That is my excuse. Thank you for listening. 

Over the past several months, I have noticed something about myself. Sometimes, when the Gospel is presented, the powerful message brings me to tears. But other times, I feel absolutely nothing. I am actually almost bored. So I wondered, how can the Gospel seem so fresh and alive one day and so stale the next? I have struggled with "keeping it real" when I sing. Those nights when the Gospel is fresh in my heart, beautiful things happen. But there are times when (and I hate to admit this) I feel like I am just up there singing.

Now, before I continue, let me make it perfectly clear that the Gospel never changes. It is always gloriously beautiful and full of wonder and power. Remember that.

A few Sundays ago, the pastor was talking about the death and resurrection of Jesus and I instantly settled into that "I've heard all this before" attitude. As I sat there, I knew the message was not touching my heart the way it should have. I was ashamed. And then in an instant, everything changed. I was once again awed by the story and it's breathtaking beauty. Something was different inside of me. In that moment, I understood why the beloved story of Jesus Christ can seem so dull and uninteresting one moment and so very intriguing the next.

You know how familiarity can cause impassivity? Like when Daddy says "I love you". I know it is true, but I do not always react to those words emotionally.

Before I go on, I do not want you to think for a minute that my faith is based upon feelings. It is not. My point here is not that we need to feel something when we hear the Gospel, but, rather, we should not be so pathetically indifferent to it.

How do we keep from having an attitude of uninterestedness toward the things of God? Well, I already told you. It is the title of my post today (I'm such a spoiler). So often we just listen with our heads. We know the stories inside and out and some of us know them backwards too. We are so familiar with them that we are not truly listening anymore. That Sunday morning, I began to listen with my heart instead of my head and suddenly I could hear the precious words. I did not necessarily feel anything, but the sweet story had meaning again.

The Gospel did not change. I did.

His Gift

You know how you can read the Bible over and over again and every time learn something new? It seems like no matter how well I know a certain passage, there is always something new to discover. While studying Genesis 2 a few weeks ago, I saw something I had never really noticed or thought about before. And it has rocked my world.

For years I have had this idea that I am supposed to be waiting for my wonderful prince to come. I have always imagined him coming into my life and being just perfect for me. I have looked forward to meeting this man, the man who was made to be my husband. How self-centered is that? When I saw Genesis 2:22 and realized my error, I was disgusted with my own selfish attitude. This is what it says...

And the rib, which The LORD God had taken from man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.

I have had everything so backwards! This verse has showed me that I am not to wait for my man to come to me. Instead, I am to wait for God to bring me to him the same way He brought Eve to Adam. My future husband was not made for me. I was made for him.

That is not all I have learned from this passage though. What God showed me next brought me to tears. For you to understand why this is so significant, I need to tell you a little bit about myself...

The past several years, I have struggled with lies.
Lies like:
You're a failure.
You will never be beautiful inside.
Nobody wants you.
You are a horrible person.
You don't even deserve to live.
There are hundreds more just like those and they are all just as ugly. If anything ever goes wrong, I am the first person I blame. I have a very low opinion of myself and think that everything bad is my fault. I have called myself garbage, I have hated myself, I have believed every lie that has been thrown at me. Praise God, this year has been better and I am so thankful to have freedom! This does not mean I no longer struggle though. Sometimes the lies still come to haunt me. I still have to fight them. But when the darkness comes, the Lord will always show me something in His Word and let me know that I am beautiful to Him. Last month, He showed me Genesis 2:22. Read it again...

And the rib, which The LORD God had taken from man, made He a woman, and brought her unto the man.

Do you see that? The woman was God's gift to the man, created especially for him. I am not a worthless piece of trash. I am a beautiful treasure. I am a gift. Years ago, my parents chose a name for me and I believe it was no mistake. They named me Jessica, "gift". My very name is a reminder to me now of who I am. Of who God made me to be.

No longer do I picture a princess gazing out the castle window, waiting for a dashing prince on a white horse to come for her. I see a precious gift being formed and perfected by the hands of God Himself, to be presented at the perfect time to a very special man.

The man I was created for.

One of Those Days

Raise your hand if you've ever felt like a failure. My hand is up. Yeah, it's been one of those days. I will not bother with details because you don't want to hear about it and I don't want to talk about it. It does not help that I have nothing brilliant prepared for this Tuesday...again. I promise I will try not to make a habit out of this.

Today, I have felt lonely and even unwanted. I am pretty sure I made mountains out of molehills (to borrow the colloquialism), but us women can get emotional sometimes and I was short on chocolate. That is my story.

A couple of hours ago, I left my brother's apartment to go home. But instead of walking to the bus, I sat down on the curb and had me a good cry. It was wonderful! I have not allowed myself to cry for so long, I think I honestly just needed to. There was a perfect sky full of stars capturing my attention the way it always does. And the Creator of those stars gently reminded me that I am never alone.

As I sat there, I had a particular song playing in my head. So to all of you who have ever had one of those days, this is for you...

It's been one of those days
If anything could go wrong
It went wrong
I know I'm feeling sorry for me
There's a lot of self-pity going on
Tomorrow I will be okay
The dawn will bring a brand new day
I'm sure by then I'll be fine
Lord, today I really need a friend
I know that You understand
Would You hold me while I cry?

I try to be stong
But if anyone can fall apart
I fall apart
I run back to You again
And You heal my broken heart
You have truly been a friend
Reaching out to lend a hand
Lord, when You could have passed me by
I'm asking for Your strength today
Lift my spirit, Lord, I pray
Will You just hold me while I cry?

I take a lot of Your time
When I should be strong
I should be standing by now
But it's You I'm leaning on
You've always kept me safe from harm
Like a child in Your arms
You've cradled me through hardships faced in life
Lord, it's just one of those days
I've been fought in every way
Would You hold me while I cry?